2009 29 Oct

Five Things For Halloween

All Hallows Even, or Halloween, isn’t comparable to any other holiday. Consider this-most holidays are meant to venerate something sacred or important. July 4th commemorates the founding of the USA. Memorial Day commemorates, uh, people who have passed away. Even St. Patrick’s Day remembers some guy driving all of the snakes out of Ireland. But Halloween, ah ha, now there’s a distinct one. Halloween remembers nothing less than the one night of the year when the gates of the underworld gape open and the forces of evil run unbridled over the land.

This makes Halloween a day of sheer pleasure and thrill. Instead of giving gifts or grand oratory, we don costumes, watch scary films, and dash around the neighborhood demanding that our neighbors hand over their candy-or else. For one night, we put all the straitlaced stuff aside and just go bonkers.

So, to help you celebrate your 31st right, here are 5 things to make your Halloween perfect:

5. Make a disgusting food dish – In the near future, you will be pressured to prepare the perfect turkey or churn out waves of sugar cookies for your friends and relatives. Before that stress starts, make something disgusting. It’s simple. Fruit punch is dubbed ‘blood’. Spaghetti transforms into brains or worms. Peeled grapes become eyeballs. You get the point.

4. Wear a costume – For pete’s sake, it’s the one day when you can dress like a complete nutball and not provoke any suspicions. In fact, if you don’t wear a costume, you put a huge negative in your cool rating. Donning something funny, scary, or flirty lets you get out of your normal, well, ‘you’ and take pleasure in the festivities. Do not just sit home wearing those dreary khakis and that tired shirt.

3. Scare somebody – Halloween isn’t complete unless you’ve given someone a fright. And the more elaborate the scare, the better. Scaring 3-year olds is easy. For real points, you’ve got to make a grown adult shriek.

2. Watch something scary – In the old days, some ancient geezer would show up and tell the spookiest tale. Since most us are now not able to have our own storytelling old geezer, scary movies are the next best thing. What you choose to watch will depend on age and preference. For teens and up, I endorse Psycho, The Sixth Sense, Poltergeist, or What Lies Beneath.

1. Eat. Mass. Amounts. Of. Candy. – We are all trying to eat better and keep ourselves able-bodied and active until we’re 150. And I wouldn’t advise this on any other day. It’s awful for you. But, by golly, you have one day to go nuts on the Butterfinger bars. Take advantage of it. Then be good the rest of the year.

Hope this gets you off to a good start. Note: should you be arrested for applying this advice, remember you act of your own will and I cannot be held legally responsible for any damages. Have a pleasurable, wild, and safe Halloween, everyone!

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